: this is austin's blog :

I feel like I am two different people, and neither one complete. But I also don't feel complete just trying to be both incomplete halves. How does that work?

On the one hand I love art, writing, music, the creative process and all the trial and tribulations of it. Yet I don't feel like I really AM and artist in the purest sense... or at least the sense that I can see in my friends who are "artists" in whatever facet of it.

On the other hand, I also have a love for really technical, structured and organized things, mainly computers and all the technology that surrounds them, something basically at the opposite end of the previous spectrum. But I don't know if I could really feel fulfilled pursuing something so... well, dry. Again, I have friends who are in to these things and I'm not them, at least in the same way that they are.

So where am I? I don't feel complete as either side, or complete in just trying to exist as both.


Here's another personal dichotomy. I've realized that not many people, at least people I know, really exist in the same kind of way that I do, in the sense that I perceive two versions of myself, the me that I am and the me that I wish I was. Now I know its normal to wish different things about ourselves, but I think my wishing extends beyond the normal realm of what's common or acceptable to wish about oneself. I wish for all kinds of things like I wish I didn't bite my finger nails, to I wish I was more assertive and sure of myself, to I wish I had a higher pain tolerance, to I wish I was less absent minded, to I wish blah blah blah the list goes on.

I feel like I've lived most of these past few years trying to ignore the me that I "wish" I was and just be ok with the me that I seem to be. This could partially explain the theme of "dissapointment" I've found running through my life and my constant, yet generally quiet, disspointment in myself. Which is the real me though? The me that comes naturally or the me that I'd like to be? Rationale says I am the first one, but what if I don't like a lot of what the first one is? Do I just have to learn to love those things? Can I just work on a select few things? Or can I strive to be the me I'd like to be? Maybe instead of doing what I've always seemed to do, maybe I should instead strive to be the me that I wish I was, so I would no longer be wishing it. Would that cause me more dissapointment? Guess I won't know if I don't try.




That's all the introspection for today. Now I will announce an upcoming film that I can't wait to see: Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.

It's based on a collection of short stories of the same name by David Foster Wallace... I may have posted about this book a long time ago but I’m too lazy to go and find out if I did or not. It was an awesome read… very modern, experimental and very fun. And guess what is special about this movie version? Not only is John Krasinski directing/co-writing the movie, but Ben Gibbard also has a part in it! He’s playing Harry apparently... I have a feeling it’s a part written for the movie, but I’m too lazy right now to pull out my book and look for a character named Harry.

In other news, I’m getting my wisdom teeth pulled in about 12 or so hours. Not only am I a cripple with a broken foot, but I won’t be able to eat properly either. This is going to be an interesting week for sure.


P.S. I got this from that Ben guy's blog... I'm still not really sure who he is...

I also got recommended to me the seduction guide (or rather the anti-seduction guide) for the passive. Ouch. I'm sorry for all those times I spent in sweat pants (you know who you are).