So here I sit on the eve of leaving for san diego california for a good potiont of the windter holidays
So here I sit on the eve of leaving for san diego california for a good potiont of the windter holidays... even though it isn't really holidays for me cuz I work throughout all this time...craziness. that's probably why it didn't feel like chirstmas at all untill it was actually christmas day this year.
I also came to another realization...Perhaps the reason I justcan't seem to show any type of alliegance to this blog things is because there's nothing in here that really means anything to me. I mean that I've posted. That and I've got people that I can generally rant to about my life rather than doing it in an anonymous soap-box sort of fashion.... still, there's something to be said about that too. So anyone, on that note, maybe I will discuss something of my life that actually means something to me.
Why do other people's hurts seem to hurt me so greatly? man this is hard to do without being specific and thus compromising the trust I've been entrusted with. I've got this friend, and she's had a pretty rough year. She had a lot of resolve of being "straight-edge" but since a hard break up with her ex, she's basically gone and done everything she said she'd never do and now is sorta of suffering the consequences of that I guess. I'm not a judgmental I guy, I love people for who they are not what they do. But why does it hurt me so much to think about what my friend has done? It seems to hurt me even more when I simply hear how jaded she is to the whole experience. Granted, basically everything she's told me is outside of my realm of experience, there's no way I could really understand where's she coming from, have never expereicned what she's gone through. So why does it still hurt me so much? I had this problem with another friend of mine last year...she told me about a really harsh experience of hers that happened two years ago. It took me about a month to fully get over. I cried several times thinking about it. and I mean, really, it wasn't THAT traumatic of an experience in coparision to what the rest of the world goes through. just when I think about what it meant to her... it kills me. in the same way hearing about where my new friend is kills me even now as I write this. I consider myself an empathetic guy, is that it? my empathy? But what good is me feelign the pain if I can't do anythign about it? I guess I just want to fix everyone. How much fixing do I need? surely, I can't be omitted from being complete? How come I haven't made tons of mistakes? I have hardly any regrets...I guess wsome would say that I'm lucky for that, or even wise. But I dunno. maybe I feel peer pressured into making smistakes just so that I can have some crappy experienes on my belt. That's stupidity too though. Argh. Tryingto sort thought all this just makes my head hurt. I want be everything to everyone. I guess that's basically it. Saviour complex, eldest sibling mentality. I need to protect people. Only I know enough about life to know that you can't protect people from life. So I guess I just meet them when they're down and try to help them out. but I feel so useless doing that, cuz I feel like I bring nothign to the table. no similar experiences of any kind of caliber. Excepet my long period of self-disgust and hatred which, when I analyze it, seems groundless. Like I was just doing it for attention. To make my life seem more eventful. man that topic is a whole other blog entry in an of itself.
Man I don't want to goto san diego...I want to be here and stay immersed in my what seems like a self-constructed soap-opera. I just wish I knew waht to do. I knew the right things to say or the right things to do. Maybe being a concerned listening ear is all these people need. The only thing I know how to do is care, and maybe that's all that's nessicary. crap. I wish things were simpler and at the same time I love that everything is so beautifully complex.... I'm full of dualities.
no I'm just rambling aimlessly....shouldI end this blog? why when I still feel like writing in it? I wonder who'll read this entry? Bascially only Leigh and my sister read my blog as far as I know so I'm just ranting to them about my life... which seems dumb because I could simply talk to tamlin or leigh either in person or msn or whatever....I need to see leigh.
I wonder, should I rant impersonally in my blog? like simply not take into consideration who reads them and what'll they'll thik of me based on what I write in here... no, I guess that's what a real diary is for... this is one that's world friendly. That seems crappy to me... man I have so much of a problem with this stupid blog thing. Like I have this constant needto justify why I'm writing here.....or a reason not to write in it.
Ok I should really go to bed now.... butI have so much more I'd like to address..
what ever bed time.
I love counting crows
I want to be amazing
my favourite fortune cookie fortune that I got was when I went to the mongolian grill a while back and I smashed my fortune cookie on the ground and picked up the fortune lying there inside. I still have it in my wallet. It read, "You will soon achieve perfection." I thought that was awesome. I wish I could relive that moment over and over again. I wonder if heaven will be like our best experiences over and over again for all eternity...I heard that somewhere when I was a kid...it seems childish now, simply because it doesn't seem realistic at all... but hen again, heaven itself isn't realisitc so why does that have to be a stupid ideal? it's like I always say when people short-cut imaginary things like. "Man, I wish I had two thousdant dollars.. then I could get this awesome guitar, or car accesory or whathave you." I usually reply with something like "why stop there? why not wish for 5 million? why not wish for the power to fly and sneeze currency?" I guess most people just like to live within the realm of reality when they are imagining things....
someone told me that if they could have one super power it would be the power to seduce people, anyone and everyone. I think that's an awesome reponse.. takento the logical extreme, that power could net you anything at all without having to be outrageous like lazers from every pore in your skin simultaneously. But really, I think everyone likes that idea simply because it causes them to think about someone they know that they'd really like to seduce. Everything revolves around sex.
I'm glad that I've had sex so I know what that's all about.
ok bed time. The world is my burrito. if anyone has read this far and can tell me where that's from, even though it's grammatically modified, I'll give them head.
-Austin Cooper
I also came to another realization...Perhaps the reason I justcan't seem to show any type of alliegance to this blog things is because there's nothing in here that really means anything to me. I mean that I've posted. That and I've got people that I can generally rant to about my life rather than doing it in an anonymous soap-box sort of fashion.... still, there's something to be said about that too. So anyone, on that note, maybe I will discuss something of my life that actually means something to me.
Why do other people's hurts seem to hurt me so greatly? man this is hard to do without being specific and thus compromising the trust I've been entrusted with. I've got this friend, and she's had a pretty rough year. She had a lot of resolve of being "straight-edge" but since a hard break up with her ex, she's basically gone and done everything she said she'd never do and now is sorta of suffering the consequences of that I guess. I'm not a judgmental I guy, I love people for who they are not what they do. But why does it hurt me so much to think about what my friend has done? It seems to hurt me even more when I simply hear how jaded she is to the whole experience. Granted, basically everything she's told me is outside of my realm of experience, there's no way I could really understand where's she coming from, have never expereicned what she's gone through. So why does it still hurt me so much? I had this problem with another friend of mine last year...she told me about a really harsh experience of hers that happened two years ago. It took me about a month to fully get over. I cried several times thinking about it. and I mean, really, it wasn't THAT traumatic of an experience in coparision to what the rest of the world goes through. just when I think about what it meant to her... it kills me. in the same way hearing about where my new friend is kills me even now as I write this. I consider myself an empathetic guy, is that it? my empathy? But what good is me feelign the pain if I can't do anythign about it? I guess I just want to fix everyone. How much fixing do I need? surely, I can't be omitted from being complete? How come I haven't made tons of mistakes? I have hardly any regrets...I guess wsome would say that I'm lucky for that, or even wise. But I dunno. maybe I feel peer pressured into making smistakes just so that I can have some crappy experienes on my belt. That's stupidity too though. Argh. Tryingto sort thought all this just makes my head hurt. I want be everything to everyone. I guess that's basically it. Saviour complex, eldest sibling mentality. I need to protect people. Only I know enough about life to know that you can't protect people from life. So I guess I just meet them when they're down and try to help them out. but I feel so useless doing that, cuz I feel like I bring nothign to the table. no similar experiences of any kind of caliber. Excepet my long period of self-disgust and hatred which, when I analyze it, seems groundless. Like I was just doing it for attention. To make my life seem more eventful. man that topic is a whole other blog entry in an of itself.
Man I don't want to goto san diego...I want to be here and stay immersed in my what seems like a self-constructed soap-opera. I just wish I knew waht to do. I knew the right things to say or the right things to do. Maybe being a concerned listening ear is all these people need. The only thing I know how to do is care, and maybe that's all that's nessicary. crap. I wish things were simpler and at the same time I love that everything is so beautifully complex.... I'm full of dualities.
no I'm just rambling aimlessly....shouldI end this blog? why when I still feel like writing in it? I wonder who'll read this entry? Bascially only Leigh and my sister read my blog as far as I know so I'm just ranting to them about my life... which seems dumb because I could simply talk to tamlin or leigh either in person or msn or whatever....I need to see leigh.
I wonder, should I rant impersonally in my blog? like simply not take into consideration who reads them and what'll they'll thik of me based on what I write in here... no, I guess that's what a real diary is for... this is one that's world friendly. That seems crappy to me... man I have so much of a problem with this stupid blog thing. Like I have this constant needto justify why I'm writing here.....or a reason not to write in it.
Ok I should really go to bed now.... butI have so much more I'd like to address..
what ever bed time.
I love counting crows
I want to be amazing
my favourite fortune cookie fortune that I got was when I went to the mongolian grill a while back and I smashed my fortune cookie on the ground and picked up the fortune lying there inside. I still have it in my wallet. It read, "You will soon achieve perfection." I thought that was awesome. I wish I could relive that moment over and over again. I wonder if heaven will be like our best experiences over and over again for all eternity...I heard that somewhere when I was a kid...it seems childish now, simply because it doesn't seem realistic at all... but hen again, heaven itself isn't realisitc so why does that have to be a stupid ideal? it's like I always say when people short-cut imaginary things like. "Man, I wish I had two thousdant dollars.. then I could get this awesome guitar, or car accesory or whathave you." I usually reply with something like "why stop there? why not wish for 5 million? why not wish for the power to fly and sneeze currency?" I guess most people just like to live within the realm of reality when they are imagining things....
someone told me that if they could have one super power it would be the power to seduce people, anyone and everyone. I think that's an awesome reponse.. takento the logical extreme, that power could net you anything at all without having to be outrageous like lazers from every pore in your skin simultaneously. But really, I think everyone likes that idea simply because it causes them to think about someone they know that they'd really like to seduce. Everything revolves around sex.
I'm glad that I've had sex so I know what that's all about.
ok bed time. The world is my burrito. if anyone has read this far and can tell me where that's from, even though it's grammatically modified, I'll give them head.
-Austin Cooper
Comments