I feel so alone.
I'm trying my best.
I think I need to find new "dad" friends.
Parenting is so fucking hard. I feel like I'm metaphorically drowning. They say that you shouldn't let your child consume your whole life, but I barely knew how to assert and advocate for myself in my old life, let alone under the pressure of raising a tiny human who is wholly dependent on you.
Well I've got to figure my shit out, and as fast as possible because there is a house to clean and bills to pay, shit to fix and countless things to optimize, so you can't waste time crying into your steering wheel while your child sleeps in the back seat. God, he looked so beautiful and perfect, sleeping there with his head drooping a little off to one side. I want to be the best dad I can be. Here is the agony and the ecstasy of being a parent.
I'm trying my best. I feel so alone.
Where is the line between "Get your shit together you worthless fuck" and "Hey man, you're doing your best. Take it easy." Because both feel simultaneously necessary and unhealthy.
Today was stressful as fuck. It started out bad because I made us crazy late for an appointment that other people were depending on us being on time for, because I wanted my kid and partner to be able to sleep-in, because I knew the rest of the day was going to be fucked up. The day was, and I'm pretty sure I made it worse.That was my choice.
Today ended with me on the floor of a dark room with my child crying beside me (trying to put him to sleep) for half an hour while I heard everyone else partying in the next room. Earlier I was going to just take him home, like I swore to myself that I would do in similar situations in the past, but I didn't. That was also my choice.
I need to take care of myself so I can be there and model being a good human for my child. I don't know how to do that. Maybe just being here in all my honest brokenness is all I need to do. Doesn't make me feel better. Or maybe it will, I just need some time....
I am trying my best, whatever that happens to be. I feel so goddamn alone sometimes.
I'm trying my best.
I think I need to find new "dad" friends.
Parenting is so fucking hard. I feel like I'm metaphorically drowning. They say that you shouldn't let your child consume your whole life, but I barely knew how to assert and advocate for myself in my old life, let alone under the pressure of raising a tiny human who is wholly dependent on you.
Well I've got to figure my shit out, and as fast as possible because there is a house to clean and bills to pay, shit to fix and countless things to optimize, so you can't waste time crying into your steering wheel while your child sleeps in the back seat. God, he looked so beautiful and perfect, sleeping there with his head drooping a little off to one side. I want to be the best dad I can be. Here is the agony and the ecstasy of being a parent.
I'm trying my best. I feel so alone.
Where is the line between "Get your shit together you worthless fuck" and "Hey man, you're doing your best. Take it easy." Because both feel simultaneously necessary and unhealthy.
Today was stressful as fuck. It started out bad because I made us crazy late for an appointment that other people were depending on us being on time for, because I wanted my kid and partner to be able to sleep-in, because I knew the rest of the day was going to be fucked up. The day was, and I'm pretty sure I made it worse.That was my choice.
Today ended with me on the floor of a dark room with my child crying beside me (trying to put him to sleep) for half an hour while I heard everyone else partying in the next room. Earlier I was going to just take him home, like I swore to myself that I would do in similar situations in the past, but I didn't. That was also my choice.
I need to take care of myself so I can be there and model being a good human for my child. I don't know how to do that. Maybe just being here in all my honest brokenness is all I need to do. Doesn't make me feel better. Or maybe it will, I just need some time....
I am trying my best, whatever that happens to be. I feel so goddamn alone sometimes.
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